So, I decided that I want to write my testimony out right here. For a couple of resons:
-It's the first week this blog is up.
-Another way for my friends (all of you!) can get to know me.
-A way for me to be open to all of you.
-And sharing your testimony is important, so friends, share yours!
So, here we go!
I grew up being a Christain. I have the best Godly parents in the world, shout out to God for giving them to me. I grew up with no problems and I loved God and my life.
I was slightly bullied growing up in elementry school, middle school, and high school. But, I never thought it was that bad until high school. In elementry school, I ignored the, "your ugly and fat" comments. Because, I knew that God loved me. In middle school I tried to find the cool friends, the cool people. But, when your 'friends' are the ones saying your fat and ugly, it gets harder. So, in high school, I didn't try to make friends. I tried to stay alone. The only thing I had was color guard, really. But, we are not here to talk about color guard.
In high school, I didn't have a lot of firends and I did try to stay alone. I still continued to go to church and youth group and camps and everything about God. I remember a specific day. I was a sophmore in high school. It was the day after winter camp 2012, I went to school and I felt alone. I wasn't on a high for Jesus like people are after they go to a winter or summer camp. I cried at school, and someone asked me what was wrong, I had no clue. That moment, I flet numb. Near the end of my sophmore I felt worse. I felt alone, sad all the time, confused, and hurt. So, I didn't feel like God was there, so I left.
The rest of my high school life, I wasn't really into God. I flet alone. I knew somethng was wrong. The summer of 2012 I started cutting. I also started skipping meals. I continued all of that through out high school. It's the only things that made me feel something.
I was going to church, Bible studies, and trying to love God, but it was nothing, I was faking it. The only time I would pray to God is to ask Him to take me home, or if it was time. I was having a really hard time in life. I did not want to live.
Fast foward to my senior year, the end of it in 2014. One night I just really wanted to end it, God told me to open my Bible. First I called Him crazy, then somehow I was getting out of my bed and I opened it to Job.
"Why did I not die at birth? Why did I not perish when I came from the womb?" (Job 3:11)
I hated reading that, but I kept reading.
"Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole." (Job 5:17-18)
Still, the next morning, nothing was different. The first year of college was worse, but on Febuary 13 2015, I knew something needed to be done. I stopped cutting, but I knew something else needed to happen. I needed to let God be in control. So, I did. I gave Him control of my life.
And yes, my walk with God still needs work. In the summer of 2016, I became single, and I wanted so many times to walk away. I wanted to so many times to cut. Truth is, when I started the relationship in 2015, I should not have started it. But, a boy liked me and I liked him, so it was okay? But, my relationship with God was not stong enough. So, when I was in the relationship, I made that love story higher than God's. I see that now, but when it ended, I blamed God. I hated everything and I hurt a lot of people around me.
But, here I am. Nine months later, still two years clean, I have not starved myself in two in a half years, and I am putting God first, because I know, He is the most important love. He is the greatest love. He loves me. And that is a beautiful thing.
"For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3
Whatever you have done, cutting, hurting other people, starving yourself, anything that you have done, God will forgive you. He loves you so much. He sent His only son to die for you.
The pictures I used were not recent, they are from summer camp 2012, when I was so deep into my depression.
Also, side note: I deal with depression and anxiety which is why I had so many issues. I do see a therapist once a month and I have to spend time with Jesus everyday and give Hime everything all the time. It's so hard, but depression and anxiety does not stop me from being saved and having a relationship with Jesus.