Dear Ex

Dear Ex, 

I'm sorry I wasn't the best girlfriend. I know I could have been more encouraging, not only for you, but also for your relationship with Christ. I'm sorry I have a lot of trust issues, I've been hurt a lot. I'm sorry I got jealous a lot and I'm sorry I never let you in. I'm sorry I never really expressed who I really was and told you about the wars in my head, but honestly, I never let God in. 

When we started dating it was right when I gave my life back to Christ and I was barely 4 months clean from self harm. I wasn't ready. But, I liked you. You liked me. We both loved Jesus like crazy, I thought it was okay. But, I wasn't ready. I made our love story more important than my love story that was already written for me, my relationship with Jesus. That's not your fault, I wanted to feel loved and that's why I did it. 

I'm sorry for hurting you. But, I was hurt fighting the wars in my head when we broke up. I was confused and hurt. I saw you every Sunday, and it killed me. I wasn't walking with Christ right when we broke up, I was walking with my anxiety and that's a dangerous road. It got me here. 

You not talking to me. You not able to look at me. And you not able to be my friend.

But, I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to be my friend either. 

I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you. You don't know what you said when you said it, but it cut deep. I forgive you for the looks you give me. I forgive you because through this hot mess of my life, God continues to forgive me. You are so loved by our Father. He has forgiven you, I will forgive you. 

We are both children of God. And that's a beautiful thing. 

Thank you for the memories and for being my only first boyfriend. 


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