I feel so bad about not blogging the past month, but honestly that's okay.
The past week I was dealing with temptations with my porn addiction, because well I felt lonely. And that's okay. God forgave me and His love is more powerful than anything in this world.
So, I'm writing this on my three years clean from self harming, which I celebrated by getting a new tattoo. (duh) And I can not be more amazed by my confidence to get it in my handwriting, makes it that more special. The words love and hope is something that I would always write on my wrists when I was going through my self harming addiction, so I can not be more grateful.
Now, this is being uploaded on my three years of giving my life back to Christ. And that's the story I want to share.
I remember sitting on my floor. I was holding, yet again a safety pin. I was ready just to say forget it, there's no point in trying to stay clean. Then, I got inspired to make a cross, in my room. I put it up and started writing verses and what God thought about me on it. I kneeled down and looked at it.
Truth is, I knew deep down inside I could not stay clean without Christ. I knew I needed help.
So, I reached out. I honestly believe if I did not reach out to Christ that day, I would not have gotten this far. I still have trouble today. Just because you are clean, doesn't mean you don't crave it sometimes. It's hard. It's hard seeing scars on someone. Because, sometimes I miss it. That's weird, I know.
But, sometimes I just feel so depressed, that I miss it.
I once read a book, that I completely lost, but I remember this quote. "I may not be self harming, but I'll always be a self harmer." I always have to check myself. I sometimes pull my hair. I sometimes dig my nails into my skin. I sometimes bite the inside of my mouth. These may seem like nervous habits, nut in reality they could be considered a fill in. I'm not saying, I am not actully clean. I'm saying God is here, and He is cheering me on and always on my side.
The day that happened exactly three years ago, when I decided to drop the safety pin and reach out to Christ was one of the best moments in my life.
Addictions are hard. I have had several. My self harm addiction. My eating disorder. My porn addiction. But, I can tell you, that God walked with me in all of them. If I reached out to Him or not, He was there. I can honestly tell you, the walking in your addiction with Christ is a lot easier without Christ.
I'm not saying that you will be able to cut it out right away.
The past three years, my porn addiction still went on.
The addiction won't go away. But, God won't leave you.
Lean to Him. And I promise you will start to crave Him and His word more than your addiction.
Friend, you are so loved.
And I just want to add, happy one year to www.playoninfinity.com! It's been so fun to have a place to write my thoughts.
Thank you for reading this! If you want to learn more about me click the link below to find me on social medias!