Allow God To Change You

Who is changing you? Your friends, or God?

The world, or God? 

The music you listen to, or God?

 

Sometimes sadly, it's not God who is changing me. It's the people who I surround myself with. It's this world. It's the music I listen to. It's the peer pressure of trying to be cool and look cool.

 

 

It's a struggle. But, if we want to be a light of this world and change it we must be changed by God. Not what your friends do on Saturday nights. Not what the artist says he's smoking in the song. Not what this world says what we ought to be. God will change us for the better. For His kingdom. 

How does God change us?

Spend as much time with Him as your friends.

Listen to worship music as much as you listen to your favorite band.

Read your Bible the same amount as your trying to be cool for this world. 

Who's changing you? Who will you allow to change you? This world? Or God?

"Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Dear Younger Me

For the next few Thursday's I will be blogging letters. This is the first one. Enjoy!

Dear Younger Me,

I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you. I'm sorry for not telling you, you're beautiful more often. I'm sorry for putting scars on your body that were never supposed to be there.

I'm sorry I told you, you needed a boyfriend in high school. I'm sorry I made you question yourself because no boys ever liked you.

I'm sorry I made you stress so much about being different. I'm sorry for forcing you to be someone different.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I didn't back you up.

 

 

But let me give you some information.

I hope you know you are one of a kind. I hope you know that your future is bright, no matter how many trials and hardships you go through. You will have a good set of friends, but it will take a while to find out who they are. You probably won't find them in high school.

Stay close to God. I know your depression will try to take you down. I know it will try to take you away. But, God wants to take this war away from you. He wants to take the fight away from you. He doesn't want you to fight this alone. You aren't alone. He is always there, even when you don't feel it. He's there and He will fill you up with Him until you feel no more pain.

You will know one day why you have so much pain. You will know that this fight is for a reason. You are strong, and you are still living in the future. You have to keep going. Girl, you are a fighter and you are beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. You do not need a boy to tell you these things. God does.

Stay strong. Your future self is with you. I am strong, you are also strong. I love you, make sure you say that to yourself more.

 

 

 

 

 

No Need To Fear Rejection

When people often reject me, I often turn to God yelling at Him, "Why would you reject me." I keep blaming God for what broken humans are doing.

If they reject me, He is too, right?

But here's some truth for you, just because they left, doesn't mean God will. Because, He won't. It's impossible for God to look at you and not be so in love with you. He sent His only son to die for you, so you can run to Him. So, you can worship Him.

Hearing things like, "your not pretty like her," or "I can't be your friend," that hurts. But, that's when we need to run to Him. That's when we need to fully embrace the fact that we have a Savior who will never leave us. Go to the cross, He wont reject you. Run to Him, He'll hold you together.

Jesus came for the brokenhearted. Let Him love you. Let Him live in you. Allow Him to work through you. He is all you need. He will never reject you. Pinky promise.

"He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted." Luke 4:18

"In your less than lovely moments, God sees a precious daughter in need of His perfect love."

You are loved. So loved.

You Are New

"...and be renewed in spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24

 

No matter what anyone says about your sins, your old self, to anyone, know this, you are not that person anymore. If you have Christ in your life, you are new. People can believe what they want and who you are.

The past you people talk about, God doesn't see that. He sees you and how much more of a relationship He can have with you. People see flawed. God sees clean. People see sins. God sees forgiven.

I can't tell you how many times my past self has set me back. How many times satan tries to shove it in my face and I let him. I'm not that person anymore. I am new. And I won't let the past me change the new me. I want God to continue changing me.

Forget about your old self, know that you are different. Know that you have changed. You are new. In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I am changed, and now I'm stronger."

 

When God sees you, He sees that His son died for your sins. He sees Jesus' blood. You are white as snow.

I'm Sorry

"I'm not her."

"I should look like that, but I don't."

"Why am I doing this?"

"Why do no boys like me?"

"Why am I not pretty?"

 

These are the daily thoughts that I and a lot of others have to. And it's hard.

 

But, I just want to say, I'm sorry to God. Because, we are His creation. Made in His image. And instead of feeding off of what He saying, we are letting what satan thinks of us enter our hearts.

satan wants us to believe that we're not worth it, not pretty enough, not loved, horrible, and we are letting him do these things.

We are constantly hurting God's creation. We our God's creation. He thinks we're beautiful and worth it. When we look in the mirror we wish we were skinnier or prettier, but when He sees us, wow. He sees His loving, kind, precious, beautiful child. He has big plans for you. Don't let what satan is throwing in your face get in the way, throw it right back at him.

Rest in knowing, you are made in God's image. You are beautiful, my friend. The same God that made your favorite sunset, He made you. Remember that.

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14

 

 

No More Judgement

Today is is December 19th 2016 as I write this and Christa Black Gifford just had a live Instagram video about her judging herself and focusing on the world instead of God. And I can't express how true that is about me.

I wake up in the morning and remember every past mistake. I get dressed and look in the mirror and ask, "why do I not look like blank?" I put my make up on and my smile so I can look the worldly part. I am constantly trying to love and not to judge others, because I would never want them to feel how I feel. But, I am constantly judging myself.

That boy you see? Is he really saying all those horrible things about you? That girl you see? Is she really spreading rumors about you? Probably not. That is you judging and hurting yourself. But don't worry, I have good news, you're not alone.

The mistake you keep bringing up, stop it. God doesn't even know what you're talking about. He looks at us with so much love. And we are down here judging ourselves with what we have done and how we look. Instead we should be focusing on how God sees us and focusing on Him. If we focused more on Him instead of the world, it might be easier to share the good news. Because it will be good news to us as well.

Stop judging who you were. Your sin is in the past. You are new and so loved. You don't deserve to be treated badly. Pinky promise.

"There is only one lawgiver and judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge?" James 4:12"

You are beloved. God does not ike it when He sees us hurting ourselves.

Jesus & Depression & Anxiety

Let me take you into my mind.

Jesus says, do not fear. Yet, here I am fearing every little thing. Jesus came and dies for me to tell me He loves me, but here I am wondering if I'll ever be loved.

I know the truth. I worship my God. I know He's bigger than any war inside. So, what am I doing crying at three in the morning? Everything is dark, yet the light of the world lives inside of me. Everything is scary, yet the man who walked on water lives in me.

I cry. I yell. I yell to God because I don't understand. But, I do understand this will make me stronger. This fight. I know what is right.

But, my head keeps repeating these things. When will it end. People are killing themselves to make it stop. I refuse. I refuse to let satan win this war. he can sit back and laugh when I'm crying at three in the morning, but what will he do when I'm in Heaven one day? I'll keep chasing what is right. The light in my darkness. The hope in my hopelessness. The love for my broken heart.

So, please. Chase the light in the darkness. Chase the hope in the hopelessness. Chase the love for your broken heart. God has all that you need. He will heal your brokenness and help you through your depression and anxiety. One day, this fight will be over for us. Keep going friends.

"For in You, O Lord, I hope; You will hear, O Lord my God." Psalm 38:15  

My Testimony

So, I decided that I want to write my testimony out right here. For a couple of resons:

-It's the first week this blog is up.

-Another way for my friends (all of you!) can get to know me.

-A way for me to be open to all of you.

-And sharing your testimony is important, so friends, share yours! 

So, here we go!

I grew up being a Christain. I have the best Godly parents in the world, shout out to God for giving them to me. I grew up with no problems and I loved God and my life. 

I was slightly bullied growing up in elementry school, middle school, and high school. But, I never thought it was that bad until high school. In elementry school, I ignored the, "your ugly and fat" comments. Because, I knew that God loved me. In middle school I tried to find the cool friends, the cool people. But, when your 'friends' are the ones saying your fat and ugly, it gets harder. So, in high school, I didn't try to make friends. I tried to stay alone. The only thing I had was color guard, really. But, we are not here to talk about color guard.

In high school, I didn't have a lot of firends and I did try to stay alone. I still continued to go to church and youth group and camps and everything about God. I remember a specific day. I was a sophmore in high school. It was the day after winter camp 2012, I went to school and I felt alone. I wasn't on a high for Jesus like people are after they go to a winter or summer camp. I cried at school, and someone asked me what was wrong, I had no clue. That moment, I flet numb. Near the end of my sophmore I felt worse. I felt alone, sad all the time, confused, and hurt. So, I didn't feel like God was there, so I left.

The rest of my high school life, I wasn't really into God. I flet alone. I knew somethng was wrong. The summer of 2012 I started cutting. I also started skipping meals. I continued all of that through out high school. It's the only things that made me feel something. 

I was going to church, Bible studies, and trying to love God, but it was nothing, I was faking it. The only time I would pray to God is to ask Him to take me home, or if it was time. I was having a really hard time in life. I did not want to live. 

Fast foward to my senior year, the end of it in 2014. One night I just really wanted to end it, God told me to open my Bible. First I called Him crazy, then somehow I was getting out of my bed and I opened it to Job.

"Why did I not die at birth? Why did I not perish when I came from the womb?" (Job 3:11)

I hated reading that, but I kept reading.

"Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole." (Job 5:17-18)

Still, the next morning, nothing was different. The first year of college was worse, but on Febuary 13 2015, I knew something needed to be done. I stopped cutting, but I knew something else needed to happen. I needed to let God be in control. So, I did. I gave Him control of my life. 

And yes, my walk with God still needs work. In the summer of 2016, I became single, and I wanted so many times to walk away. I wanted to so many times to cut. Truth is, when I started the relationship in 2015, I should not have started it. But, a boy liked me and I liked him, so it was okay? But, my relationship with God was not stong enough. So, when I was in the relationship, I made that love story higher than God's. I see that now, but when it ended, I blamed God. I hated everything and I hurt a lot of people around me.

But, here I am. Nine months later, still two years clean, I have not starved myself in two in a half years, and I am putting God first, because I know, He is the most important love. He is the greatest love. He loves me. And that is a beautiful thing.

"For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

Whatever you have done, cutting, hurting other people, starving yourself, anything that you have done, God will forgive you. He loves you so much. He sent His only son to die for you.

The pictures I used were not recent, they are from summer camp 2012, when I was so deep into my depression.

Also, side note: I deal with depression and anxiety which is why I had so many issues. I do see a therapist once a month and I have to spend time with Jesus everyday and give Hime everything all the time. It's so hard, but depression and anxiety does not stop me from being saved and having a relationship with Jesus.

 

 

 

Worship

Yay for bonus posts! Might be a lot this week, for a few reasons, this blog is a blog and this is a the first official week it's up. Also, God is just speking to me, and what happens when God speaks to me? I really want to share it, so, here we go.

I don't even think I could tell you what worship means to me exactly. Today at church we talked about worship and how good it is to worship. 

Any kind of music can speak to me. I don't understand what people say half of the time and I can kind of remember things that I was supposed to remember. But, songs? I know exactly what they are saying and I can remember lyrics from songs that I haven't heard in five years. Music has always been something I love.

About, six years ago, 'Mighty To Save,' was the worship sng being played at church that Sunday. It was the first time I stood up and worshiped in front of people. It was the first time I wasn't afraid to worship in front of people. So, not only do I feel really connected to any song, but worship is a huge part with my relationship with Christ. 

I pray. Not as much as I should. But, I do pray. I read my Bible. I try not to get bored.... I listen to pastors and sermons. I try really hard not to fall asleep. But, worship. Worship is something that I feel so close to God during. I mean, worship. I can freely worship God. I can stand and completly surrender myself over to Him. I can stand in awe of Him. I can kneel before Him. I can stand and cry because of the words I hear. I can sing to my God knowing He is listening. I get so excited about a time of worship. Because, one day, in Heaven, I will be able to worship my God face to face. I can't get over that. I am so in love with my God.

Worship to me, seeing and hearing people sing for God. Seeing and hearing people lift God's name higher. All of this gets me so excited. It's just a glimpse of Heaven.

So, to inspire you all to listen to worship music and take some time to worship, I'm going to list some of my favorite worship artists for you. 

-David Crowder. Let me repeat this one. David Crowder. Okay. I think you get it.

-Colton Dixon. If you are looking for rock and roll lets go out and tell the world about God, Colon Dixon is the guy to listen too.

-Bethel Music. Specifically, 'Forever and a Day.'

-Casting Crowns.

-Hillary Scott and The Scott Family. Their. Album. Go now and listen.

-Hillsong. I mean, no suprise there. It's Hillsong.

-Jeremy Camp. Because... Jeremy Camp.

-MercyMe. They have been my favorite band since I was like 5.

-Fresh Life Worship. Just got into them, thanks to Levi Lusko the pastor of Fresh Life, but they are so good. So. Good.

-Jesus Culture. Yes.

Annnnnd this can go on for hours. So, I'll leave it there. Stand up. Surrender yourself. Kneel. Worship the Lord tonight. He loves you. And that is a beautiful thing.

Also, I encourage you all to listen to worship music on the way to work or school. It takes the stress off of you. It's good for me. Because I can get stressed, and sometimes, Carrie Underwood on the radio does not help. A little Jesus will. 

How The Heck Did I Get To Two Years Clean?!

Truth is, I have no idea how I ended up here, two years self harm clean.

So, here I am writting this bonus blog post for you all to tell you, I am two years clean. 2016 was a really hard year for me. I was in my first relationship, and then it ended. Trying to stay strong at that time, I ended up hurting people around me, instead of hurting myself.

Bad idea. And I am so sorry for anyone that I hurt. But, when you don't love yourself, you will either hurt yourself, or hurt others. That is what I have learned through all of that.

Now that I know, I know that I need to stay strong. I need to journal. I need to read my Bible. I need to have good friends around me. I need to love myself and the people around me.

Something that I have been noticing, is I'm not hurting myself phsically anymore, but sometimes, or always, I'm hurting myself mentally, always saying how dumb I am, or crazy, or not cool or pretty enough, and that's not okay. I know many people struggle with this, but remember how important you are. Remember how gorgeous you are. I will too.

By remembering those things, journaling, reading my Bible, finding good friends, and learning to love myself, that is how I got to two years self harm clean.

Please be nice to yourself. You are worth it. And you can do it. I promise.